I was watching the Paris games and I can’t help but laugh at racewalking. It’s the most ridiculous looking sport there is.

It’s not running. In fact, they will be penalized if it resembles running in anyway. Their hips thrust from side to side, legs look like rubber, gasping for air as they mall walk past other competitors. Come on! They look like Ace Ventura strolling through the police station.

How does one decide to get into racewalking? “Hey Timmy. What do you want to do for fun?”. “I’d like to move quickly”. “Wonderful!!! Let’s throw some skates on!”. “Not that quick.”. “Okay. Let’s go for a jog!”. “No no. Still too fast. I’d like to walk. I’ll be the faster walker in the world gosh darnit. I’d like to look like I need to poop recreationally. Like I’m desperately seeking out public facilities to drop a duker in my leisure! I will be the greatest racewalker of all time!!!”.